Something I Found: Good Girl

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/135086/good-girl

The hallway is white; the story starts like a poem. Something is different; you can’t quite put your finger (or hoof) on it but it’s there. You just listen, trying to take the words in, to turn them into something tangible. Ethereal moments like this are the bread and butter of this fanfic, which is more fascinating when the reader gets to call the shots. Context is regrettably the least interesting thing about a story with too little scope to bear its weight.

Screw Loose wakes up with a concussion, everything before which is irrelevant. Something, something, something leading to mental instability and a slow but sure transition from pony to dog. You heard me right, pony to dog! The author really tries to get into the character’s head, detailing the transition, yet it’s never about the character. Screw’s obliviousness with regard to her condition precludes any meaningful self-reflection. It’s the “transition” that’s important. An unexpected route to take and it turns out, one completely lacking in ambivalence, which is bad because the subject matter is one of the only things about this story that is unambiguous; Screw Loose is becoming a dog and there’s nothing she can do about it. 

The story is told directly from Screw Loose’s perspective and in present tense, through this she never reflects, merely perceives. I think it's done in an attempt to give her an animalistic touch and maybe portray her downfall realistically. This necessarily limits the narrative scope, as we have no idea who this Screw Loose character is and to get a sense of her, we need something more than her powers of observation. Maybe if we knew something about her beforehand that could help us pinpoint her; alas, the story starts at the hospital. She could be portrayed as a reflection of the characters around her. We could learn about her through their reactions. That’s another story device. But they’re all shadows–– cold and distant, far away. Before I continue, I wanted to stress that without emotional anchoring, most fanfics are dead on arrival.

Now, I want to talk in my terms why I think this story misses the mark, because it is technically sound: the author gives themselves little freedom yet writes an undeniably carefully pieced-together, descriptive story with some really fine, poetic words behind it. The author must know it lacks character because the narrative takes on a self-aware shade of transcendence, or inversion. It's clear what's happening outside of Screw's elucidations, what the characters around her think and feel from her viewpoint. They––the author–– must expect the tragedy and fascination of her transition in and of itself to be enough to satisfy the reader. This is wrong because in and of itself, there’s nothing fascinating about her transition. 

Bones, walks, drool, barred teeth and an irrational fear of the wet––this is their take on a dog. And I want to note, it’s not just behavior and thoughts that change. It’s not Screw somehow psychologically projecting her idea of what a dog is. Her entire way of thinking changes, in the author’s own words: “her mental state ‘disintegrates’”. Her consciousness turns into that of a dog. The idea already sounds a tad fishy but when executed with the amount of subtlety displayed here, it fails completely. What about the actual, abstract workings of a dog’s mind? There’s any number of interpretations one could have on it. I think this is what the premise is actually looking for. Barring that, there isn't much to work with, I'd imagine. 

Like any reasonable person though, the author wouldn’t listen to me, and went and did it anyway. The result, the turnover from a narrative standpoint, is crafted with care and does well, limited as may be. As hinted at in the beginning of this review, this fanfic does better with the abstract. Some parts of it––solemn and poetic––manage to transcend the material: Two sequences, one in the middle, one in the end, displays this author’s real skills, when Screw’s shackles loosens and she––along with the narrative––gets a chance to fly. 

What a mixed bag, honestly––strong writing but limited reach. Although bad execution on all the concrete, good on the abstract. I think this writer lost their way on conceptualization; they never aimed high enough to begin with. There is no stake; we always knew where the story was heading. There’s no surprise, no tension, no inherent fascination beyond its narrow, insulated, mechanical grasp but without an execution that's involving, it falls flat. This’ll be one for the ages, I suppose.